LAYMAN'S SERMON

          The Young Men's Christian Association asked Mr. Clemens to
          deliver a lay sermon at the Majestic Theatre, New York, March
          4, 1906.  More than five thousand young men tried to get into
          the theatre, and in a short time traffic was practically
          stopped in the adjacent streets.  The police reserves had to be
          called out to thin the crowd.  Doctor Fagnani had said
          something before about the police episode, and Mr. Clemens took
          it up.

I have been listening to what was said here, and there is in it a lesson
of citizenship.  You created the police, and you are responsible for
them.  One must pause, therefore, before criticising them too harshly.
They are citizens, just as we are.  A little of citizenship ought to be
taught at the mother's knee and in the nursery.  Citizenship is what
makes a republic; monarchies can get along without it.  What keeps a
republic on its legs is good citizenship.

Organization is necessary in all things.  It is even necessary in reform.
I was an organization myself once--for twelve hours.  I was in Chicago a
few years ago about to depart for New York.  There were with me Mr.
Osgood, a publisher, and a stenographer.  I picked out a state-room on a
train, the principal feature of which was that it contained the privilege
of smoking.  The train had started but a short time when the conductor
came in and said that there had been a mistake made, and asked that we
vacate the apartment.  I refused, but when I went out on the platform
Osgood and the stenographer agreed to accept a section.  They were too
modest.

Now, I am not modest.  I was born modest, but it didn't last.  I asserted
myself; insisted upon my rights, and finally the Pullman Conductor and
the train conductor capitulated, and I was left in possession.

I went into the dining--car the next morning for breakfast.  Ordinarily
I only care for coffee and rolls, but this particular morning I espied an
important-looking man on the other side of the car eating broiled
chicken.  I asked for broiled chicken, and I was told by the waiter and
later by the dining-car conductor that there was no broiled chicken.
There must have been an argument, for the Pullman conductor came in and
remarked: "If he wants broiled chicken, give it to him.  If you haven't
got it on the train, stop somewhere.  It will be better for all
concerned!"  I got the chicken.

It is from experiences such as these that you get your education of life,
and you string them into jewels or into tinware, as you may choose.
I have received recently several letters asking my counsel or advice.
The principal request is for some incident that may prove helpful to the
young.  There were a lot of incidents in my career to help me along--
sometimes they helped me along faster than I wanted to go.

Here is such a request.  It is a telegram from Joplin, Missouri, and it
reads:  "In what one of your works can we find the definition of a
gentleman?"

I have not answered that telegram, either; I couldn't.  It seems to me
that if  any man has just merciful and kindly instincts he would be a
gentleman, for he would need nothing else in the world.

I received the other day a letter from my old friend, William Dean
Howells--Howells, the head of American literature.  No one is able to
stand with him.  He is an old, old friend of mine, and he writes me,
"To-morrow I shall be sixty-nine years old."  Why, I am surprised at
Howells writing that!  I have known him longer than that.  I'm sorry to
see a man trying to appear so young.  Let's see.  Howells says now,
"I see you have been burying Patrick.  I suppose he was old, too."

No, he was never old--Patrick.  He came to us thirty-six years ago.  He
was my coachman on the morning that I drove my young bride to our new
home.  He was a young Irishman, slender, tall, lithe, honest, truthful,
and he never changed in all his life.  He really was with us but twenty-
five years, for he did not go with us to Europe, but he never regarded
that as separation.  As the children grew up he was their guide.  He was
all honor, honesty, and affection.  He was with us in New Hampshire, with
us last summer, and his hair was just as black, his eyes were just as
blue, his form just as straight, and his heart just as good as on the day
we first met.  In all the long years Patrick never made a mistake.  He
never needed an order, he never received a command.  He knew.  I have
been asked for my idea of an ideal gentleman, and I give it to you
Patrick McAleer.